Boyfriend Still Hangs With His Ex

So your boyfriend still hangs with his ex. He doesn’t necessarily give you any reason not to trust him… but you’re not sure how you feel about the whole situation. Should you just stay cool, work on your fears and insecurities and keep these thoughts to yourself? Or should you be more open with him and start a conversation about it?

Perhaps in your experience it’s been awkward to socialise with someone you used to have sex with… and maybe you never wanted to stay good friends with them. You don’t see yourself as a jealous person, but it’s difficult to see this from a different point of view. So let me give you a male perspective.

Why Would Your Boyfriend Still Talk To His Ex?

First of all, I understand what it’s like to want to “stay close with your ex”. I’ve been with quite a few women and still feel close with several of them. Even if we haven’t talked in a while.

I even still feel love for a few of them. Not the needy, attached kind of “love”, but the admiring, caring kind. Like with friends.

I feel it because they’re incredible human beings.

They didn’t stop being incredible when we stopped sleeping together, and they didn’t stop being incredible when I started seeing other women… so those particular feelings about them didn’t change. Perhaps they faded a little, but they’re there.

I admire them, I care that they’re happy, and I like being around them, because we understand each other. If I saw them in the street I would hug them… and I would mean it.

But I’d be hugging a close friend, not an ex-girlfriend. I’m not hugging a memory of them… I’m hugging them because of my current feelings, which I described above.

There’s love there but, if I’m in a relationship, there’s no desire to sleep with my ex or anything like that. Because my partner is my priority, and I would never hurt my partner like that. It’s a choice I’ve made in advance, and I intend to honour it.

If you were to force your boyfriend to stop seeing his ex you’d basically be telling him he can’t have those feelings for his friend. You’re also telling him that you don’t fully trust him.

I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing. The first point I’m making here is that your boyfriend may still feel love for his ex in some way, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean he loves YOU any less. And it doesn’t mean you’re any less of a priority.

You sometimes feel drawn to other guys in some ways, right? Of course you do. That’s what people do… we connect. It’s healthy. But it doesn’t mean you’ll sleep with them, or DO anything with them. Which leads me to my next point…

How To Avoid Fucking This Up

The strongest relationships are the ones where both partners can share any and all of their feelings without judgement. Because it’s not the feelings that are important… it’s the CHOICES you make as a result of those feelings.

You may not like your partner’s feelings, but you shouldn’t try to manipulate them. You should make an effort to understand them and THEN decide how to act, together, based on what’s best for each partner individually… AND for the relationship as a whole.

There’s no point wishing that your partner’s feelings were different… because they’re not. We become closest with our partner when we can work through our feelings together. And all hell breaks loose when we keep our true feelings hidden…

Like a cancer-infested ticking time bomb.

If you try to make your boyfriend feel a certain way, you’ll push him away. Like trying to make him “love” you more by removing his ex from his life.

If he enjoys spending time with his ex but knows you want him to stop seeing her, you’ll turn it into a negative experience for him. He’ll start looking for ways to make the bad feelings go away…

He could stop seeing his ex… but he may resent you for taking away something that made him happy.

He could try to stop enjoying seeing his ex… but how would he even do that?

Finally, he could push you away (by cheating, starting a fight, breaking up) so that he’s free to do the things he enjoys, without feeling bad. The worse you make him feel, the more attractive this option becomes. And it may not even really be a conscious decision on his part.

It could feel like the relationship just deteriorated over time… (due to said cancer).

How To Talk To Your Boyfriend About His Ex

So to answer your question… YES, work on your fears and insecurities around this. But don’t do it on your own. You won’t figure them out that way. You’ll have to understand HIS feelings before you can get to a place where you’re okay with the situation.

Do it together, without trying to control how he feels.

Start with something like this:

“This is hard for me to get my head around. I know you like hanging out with your ex… and I trust you. I just have my own fears an insecurities around it that I’m working through, and it’d help if I understood it from your point of view.”

Shift the focus of your overthinking away from questions like “what if something happened between them?” and instead try to figure out “what’s good about the fact that he still sees his ex?”

Does it make you happy that he’s happy, for instance? Does it give you an opportunity to get to know him better? To build trust that brings you closer together?

Ask him what he gets out of it and see if you can relate in some way. Read this article about being a good listener if you want to learn how to do this without starting a fight.

What If My Boyfriend Cheats On Me?

Now, on the flipside, assuming that you actually can’t trust him… overthinking it isn’t going to change that. Nothing will.

In fact, if he‘s going to cheat on you… why are you trying to keep him from doing that? Why are you trying to keep him at all? He’s already the kind of guy who cheats.

If you find out that he’s been doing it behind your back… then he never was the guy you thought he was. He fooled you, and that sucks… sure. But you haven’t lost a good partner. You just never had one.

And you probably learned something, at least.

(Also this might make you feel better.)

My point here is that you’re overthinking the wrong thing… because you’ll never find the answer to “should I trust him or not?”

The only thing you can do is be open about your feelings and encourage him to do the same, by receiving them without judgement. Then try to understand each other deeply, and make decisions together based on that.

Thanks for all your comments, we actually recorded this video response to one of the questions below.

61 Thoughts to “My Boyfriend Still Hangs With His Ex. What Should I Do?”

  1. I talked to my boyfriend recently and let him know I felt the relationship was inappropriate and was making me uncomfortable. We’ve been together almost a year and his ex who he was friends with but still intimate up until he and I started didn’t want to meet me because it would be “weird”. That was an immediate red flag. I trust him and I don’t think he’d do anything to jeopardize what we have but for her to not want to meet her friends girlfriend but continue hanging with him makes it in appropriate for me. So I said something. I’m 50/50 on his response. He said he’d tell her that they couldn’t hang but would stay in touch via FB etc. and then he told me he wasn’t upset but disappointed that I didn’t fully trust him and asked me not to become possessive. I feel like that’s gas lighting and while I’m not going to end things over what he said I’ve definitely made note because those are the exact same things my ex husband would say to me. Which he also said he wasn’t my ex. I didn’t tell him that he sounded like my ex when we had this conversation because I didn’t want to insult him but when he said those things that’s immediately who he sounded like. So am I wrong? Should I talk to him about his choice of words? Or just leave it? I’m not gonna ask him if he ended it with her but I do have some unresolved feelings about that conversation.

    1. Hey Jen, my general rule is to resolve unresolved negative feelings. Because they’re like a cancer that grows and spreads.

      I wouldn’t focus on his choice of words though. He’s trying to express what he’s feeling. So perhaps stick to how you felt when he said those words, and ask questions to understand how he felt about the whole situation. “Possessive” is just a word, which doesn’t completely represent all of his feelings around the issue. So don’t get stuck on the word, focus on the feelings.

  2. Im in a homosexual relationship and my boyfriend has been in a previous gay relationship for 8 years. Before that, he dated his friend who is a female for about 2 years. She wants to hang out with him but I do not trust her. I trust him, but I feel like she’s trying to take advantage of him somehow. What bothers me more is that she lives far away and when he visits her, he sleeps over her house.

    When we discuss this, he gets upset and thinks I’m just crazy. I just don’t know what to think of her. Honestly, I do not want to meet her because I will get very anxious.

    They are going out for dinner soon. That day will be terrible for me, I just know it. I hate being jealous, but I’ve been hurt before and i must have my guard up. What do I do or say?

    1. Hey David, correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds like when you discuss it with him, you’re discussing it from the perspective of “I don’t trust her,” which naturally makes him defensive.

      Wondering if you’ve tried discussing it from the perspective of “I want to trust her. Can you help me get there?”

  3. My boyfriend and I were good until one day I saw messages between him and his ex and him telling her want he wanted to do to her. She even asked him if he was seeing someone and he said no. 1st lie he told, then he told her he was getting his own place. 2nd lie. He and I was looki g for a house together. Now he lies to me alot and even seen his vehicle around her way. When I express my feelings about him and his ex he always catch an attitude and blame me for our broken relationship. I have been very good to him.

  4. My boyfriend has many female friends and at first it didn’t bother me but it is starting to more and more especially because he wants me to meet and befriend them. He was friends with one of the girls for many years they dated and were sexually active a few months before we started dating but they still hang out just as friends. He says they broke up because they just did not have a spark there but they are still connected to each other because they still hang out. He wants me to meet her but every time i think about it, i get freaked out thinking about how his hands were all over her and now i have to talk to her, it turns me off from him. I even have nightmares about him turning into her. I’ve never had such an aversion or feeling of disgusts until now, i also haven’t had a partner with so many female friends. I feel as though i communicate very well but anytime we talk about the situation he calls me delusional and starts ignoring me. The way he handles the situation makes it harder for me to trust him and even makes me like him less. I feel strongly enough about it to where I think I want to break up because I don’t want to waste time and I know that I will always have a problem with his female friends. These were all people he was interested in but nothing developed or one party wasn’t interested and it worries me that if one of the options had to open then he would go for that because of the longevity of the relationship. I just don’t want to waste my time sticking around if Im just a place holder. So I need advice, is my own mental aversion too excessive or am i right to have concerns about him and his girl friends.

    1. Great question :) Here’s a thought experiment for you: Would you prefer to
      a) Trust him and feel completely okay with him hanging out with his female friends, or
      b) Be completely certain that he isn’t hanging out with his female friends anymore?

      I don’t just want your surface level reaction. If you really deeply think about it, which situation would be more fulfilling to you personally?

      1. I really don’t want to stop hanging out with his friends. They have been friends for a long time. I would just like to feel more secure in our relationship and be able to trust him no matter what. I don’t want to be cheated on or to be forgotten.

      2. Have you said that to him?

        And which of the following parts have you told him?

        “He wants me to meet her but every time i think about it, i get freaked out thinking about how his hands were all over her and now i have to talk to her, it turns me off from him. I even have nightmares about him turning into her.”

        “The way he handles the situation makes it harder for me to trust him and even makes me like him less. I feel strongly enough about it to where I think I want to break up because I don’t want to waste time and I know that I will always have a problem with his female friends.”

        “I just don’t want to waste my time sticking around if Im just a place holder.”

        Because that’s where trust comes from. Creating an environment where you both feel comfortable talking about everything. That’s where you’ll find the feeling of security you’re looking for. That’s how you’ll know he isn’t hiding anything from you (assuming he isn’t).

  5. Hi Pete:

    So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for close to 2 years now. He still keeps in touch with his ex girlfriend. I wasn’t aware of it until I started to question him about her because I noticed they tend to Facebook message each other. He kind of got upset at me at first for asking. I just didn’t understand why he would be upset? I mean I wasn’t assuming that he was cheating on me or anything. I just felt like I needed a better understanding?

    He told me that he sees her occasionally, but I’m not sure what occasionally is. I know that he helped her out with something around her house like two months ago, but he didn’t let me know. He kind of told me it was his friend’s mirror he had to go fix, but eventually he kept switching his friend’s names up to another one of his friends which made me feel like he was lying. So from my perspective, I’m thinking he went to go fix her mirror. But who knows what or who’s mirror he went to go fix.

    I’m not the type to get jealous over an ex girlfriend. I just don’t want to be in a relationship that’s half ass. I’ve told him that as well. I don’t know what to ask now. I want to understand him from his perspective, but at times I find it hard to express myself without him assuming the worse or something.

    Plus, I know that him and his ex have things in common which me and him don’t as much. Which kind of makes me feel a bit uncomfortable…but I’m not sure how to approach him with this. I like to understand him, but didn’t want to question him in any way that makes him feel like I’m being negative?

    I did ask him 2 months ago from previous topic ^^ as well and if I can go through his phone/pictures and he got upset/mad at me. In addition, I give him his space/privacy. I’ve never once asked if I can see his phone or what not before. That was the first. I just thought I’d ask once to see what he would say and I got something that was unexpected.

    It kind of made me feel like he was hiding something from me, but he tells me that he isn’t. I know that trust comes a lot in a relationship…but what’s the point of trying to trust someone if they tend to hide things from you? I find it harder to express myself when I find out about things that I wasn’t aware of before.

    Any tips on questions I should ask him without make the mattes worse or negative when I’m trying to be positive? Thanks.

    1. Hey, great question. I think what you’ve written here explains it pretty clearly, so why not give this to him, written down? Sometimes it’s easier to communicate that way without triggering things that make either of you upset.

  6. Hi Pete,
    An interesting read. I have been in my current relationship for just over 4 years. We have both been married before, I am divorced but he isnt and both have kids to our ex’s, but none together. I have a really good male friend, I went to school with who I have been honest about to my boyfriend. My boyfriend asked me to stop seeing him, which I have. I am still in contact with him, but we dont spend time together out of respect to my boyfriend. My boyfriend on the other hand, has met up with his ex wife (still not divorced) behind my back. The first time I questioned him about it, he said he had things he had to sort out, which is fine. What I dont get, if there is nothing in it, then why does he hide it? He had his kids this week and asked his ex to go to the movies with them. All I have asked him is to be honest with me when it comes to communication with her. He knows how I feel, I grew up in a blended family and my mum and dad were great friends and they had both moved on. I think the difference is my mum and dad were honest with their new partners. Not sure how to approach it again

    1. Hi Beverly, I’m a big advocate of honesty. Did he give you a reason for not telling you? And what does he say when you ask him to tell you next time? Did you also specify when you’d like him to tell you? ie. in advance or how soon after.

      1. Hi Pete, Thanks for your reply. He told me, when he finally admits in catching up with his ex, that he didnt want to hurt my feelings. I told him I can accept that he has a friendship with his ex but could he be honest with me with his communication so then I wont feel so insecure. He responds he will but then I find out that he hasnt been telling me. I asked him did his wife go to the movies with him and his kids and he has denied it. I guess i have never given him exact timeframe when i’d like him to tell me, I just assumed if he had nothing to hide he would tell me when he organised to meet her he would tell me his plans or soon after if it was a last minute thing. His ex and kids live a few hours away so it’s not like she is close by to “run” into her. Just would love to know how to get him to be honest

      2. Hi Bev, it’s possible that he still doesn’t understand what exactly you expect from him. Perhaps you could try writing it down in a long-form letter and handing it to him? It’s sometimes easier to communicate that way.

      3. Hi Pete,
        I have actually sent him an email, and most of the times when I have confronted him with my concerns he will say things like “your right” “I understand” but then nothing changes and I find out he has gone behind my back again and not told me about it before hand or soon after. Its like he tells me what I want to hear, but doesn’t believe it himself. I actually wrote ” When you asked your ex to go to the movies with you, did you stop and think, how would Bev feel? Double standards and I think he believes he is doing nothing wrong, but doesn’t fully understand how it effects me. He doesn’t want me seeing my friend but yet he can see his ex wife.

      4. It might help him understand how it affects you if you asked him how he would feel if you started seeing your friend and not telling him about it. Also, I wouldn’t put up with this kind of double standard, but that’s just me. Have you thought about what you’re going to do if your needs aren’t met? Not in a spiteful way. I just mean that at some point you might have to decide what you value more… and sooner is usually better than later.

      5. I have said to him in general, that he wouldnt like it if I started seeing my friend again. I have actually considered now saying to him, that I am going to see my friend again until I am confident I can trust him to be truthful and honest to me. My Kids get along with my friend and have said to me its sad I gave up that friendship because of my partner, but I did it out of respect to him, which seems he cant do for me. I have thought about it, and I guess some days I value my friendship more than my relationship since my partner doesn’t seem to value how I feel.
        Thank-you for your responses, it helps from a different point of view and some great advise :)

  7. My current partner not only contacts his ex but sleeps over in the spare room using seeing the kids( 19 and 25) or the fact that when he has a late finish as a pilot her place is closer to his. Now I have adressed my concern and insecurities over this situation but have indicated that I don’t have an issue with him having a friendship with her because of adult kids , however he knows that I feel it is neglecting my feelings and that it is inappropriate to sleep over . Further he has not told her or the kids about us!! Help

    1. Do you think you’d feel more comfortable with the sleeping over if he told her and the kids about you? Or if you met them, for instance? There’s no right answer. Just wondering if there’s a way that this could genuinely work for you?

      1. Yes for sure and I have expressed this to him .. by the way we are in our 50s. However I do feel there is some kind of emotional attachment to the house they lived in for 20 years. I would be open to meeting both the adult kids and the ex.

      2. His reply when I asked why do you not want to tell them was that he did not want to hurt their feelings ?? This is s confusing statement from someone who is divorced for 4 years..

      3. If we assume that’s true, and he really doesn’t want to hurt their feelings… how does he feel about hurting your feelings by not introducing you to them?

      4. His reply was that he was sorry if it hurts my feelings . But actions speak louder than words so in my opinion there is no validation of my feelings

      5. Hi there
        Yes I do need to weigh it up . And it is not okay for him to have an emotional relationship with me and his ex wife particular to stay over and have meals etc. I have really enjoyed reading your reply’s it has given me some perspective
        S

  8. Hi Pete, thanks for the great article. My partner broke up with his ex (she broke it off after about a year) four years ago. We started dating quite quickly afterwards and have been in a semi-relationship since then. During that time they have remained close, seeing each other occasionally and daily sms and/or phone calls. Last autumn she started dating another guy for the first time since they broke up and my partner was absolutely devastated. He admitted he still wasn’t over her and needed me to give him time to work through his feelings which I did. They ceased contact after that and I finally felt relieved and less threatened by the risk that they might get back together. Our relationship finally started to move forward more seriously and we are trying to start a family at the moment. I recently found out they are now back in daily contact (she ended the other relationship) and that he has been to her house. I have tried to be patient and understanding and he tells me I need to trust him, that they are just good friends. I asked him if he has told her we are in a relationship and are starting a family he he said “no that would just make her sad and hurt her feelings”. Am I being unreasonable or should I be worried?

    1. Hey Saskia, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It doesn’t necessarily mean you should be worried either, though. I’d voice your feelings about the fact that he hasn’t told her. Because he’s essentially choosing to make you sad to avoid making her sad… but he might not even be aware that that’s what he’s doing. So explain it to him and see how he responds.

  9. Hi Pete I love your support and prospective on relationship issues I would like your point of view on mine please. I’ve been with my husband for 25yrs, he was married before, has 2 grown up kids, we have a 21yr old. I’ve never met his ex, when his children were young he’d always see them in her house which also happened to be where his mum lived. I put up with that for many years. When the children got older they’d go for birthday dinners and I was never included which again I let him get on with it. We married in 2016 and this when I thought things should change, I’m now his wife. Last year there was a birthday dinner planned, I felt upset that again I wasn’t included and yet our daughter was going with him. I spoke to him calmly and we agreed he wouldn’t go to the dinner but drinks after….without me. It was a poor compromise but I felt he understood and told his daughter this can’t happen again and any events in the future I’ll be by his side. This felt good and the dinner fell through in the end. Last week his son visited from abroad, he and his son hung out, his son was going to the ex’s sisters party later and i was anxious that my husband would tag along. Late in the evening my husband called to say he was going to the party…..I went mad saying he doesn’t consider my feelings and he didn’t go but he was angry with me for stopping his time with his son. We didn’t talk for days but then worked it out saying we could have done things differently. Now today his daughter has had a baby and he’s going to visit without me!! Of course the ex will be there. He says it’s her that doesn’t want me around. I have good relationships with both his children. I’m having to take back seat again. I love him but this is driving me crazy…..am I getting all upset for nothing ?

    1. Hi Linda, there’s no right or wrong answer about what “should” happen in a relationship. So if anyone’s telling you that you’re getting upset for nothing, don’t listen. The fact is that you are getting upset, so there’s something here that needs to be resolved… and that requires a conversation about it. It sounds like he’s trying to understand your perspective, but perhaps he doesn’t understand fully yet. You might need to clarify a few times, because you’ve got 25 years of habits to overcome :)

  10. I had a 7 year marriage that broke apart when my husband left me bc i was too possessive and wouldn’t let him be himself. During qll that time he closed his fb account and bc i asked him to he erased his ex from the beginning. So after he left me he added back the bit$&@ he had ever dated and the stupid ex ( insecure i know) and became friends with them again. After 4 months of being separated( but still seeing esch other and having sex now and then) we got back together and i asked him to erase people he had anything sexual to do with since it didnt suit with me. Well he got a little mad and asked me if “i was trying out to control his life and decisions making” so i didnt say anything anymore until yesterday, i asked him who he trusted to say things he doesnt trust me bc those things would make me mad in the past and he said, my “ex” and i just got mad and told him why would he still be in touch and talking to her, ( he dated her for like 7 or 8 years but counting that they broke up twice during that time and he had a new gf in one of those break ups…..i asked him if he felt anything beyond friendship, i asked him if he felt any attraction towards her and he said no. I asked him if we ever were to separate again and maybe definitely, if he would ever want to be with that ho$&@ again and he said no. So now i dont know if i should trust him and let him be. I find myself enfuriating and crying but i dont know what to do :(

    1. Hey Audrey, it sounds like you said “Why would you still be in touch and talking to her?” as kind of an attack. Are you actually open to understanding his honest answer? Because if you aren’t, he won’t give it to you.

      1. Yes, i understand that im vwry direct towards my questions with my hb and well i asked him why in a nice way afterwards and he just said that it was bc he had been friends with her adter he broke up with her, and before meeting me; he said it was bc of me too that he had to erase his fb account bc i would get mad of his female friends.

      2. So what is it that makes you doubtful of his response? From what you’ve said here it sounds like a more productive discussion might be to ask him, “What is it about your ex that makes you trust her enough to tell her things that you don’t want to tell me?” then consider if that’s something you want to take on board. And another good question might be, “What could I do (or stop doing) that would make you comfortable enough to tell me those things?”

  11. Well my boyfriend has an ex girlfriend he has known for 30 years! They met when he was 19. They have had two relationships during this time. The last one was 7 years ago. He was going to propose to her but she left soon after and found another relationship. He was extremely heart broken. The problem she is still in contact. They have NEVER lost contact during the 30 year period even when she was married with kids. The ex-girlfriend has written over 70 letters during the 30 year period mostly platonic except when they were a couple. He’s gotten a letter or card from her about every 6 months. I think she likes to control him, keep him as a back up plan or investment. He lets her control him because he has kept every letter from her in his bedside table (he doesn’t know i know that). He should have put an end to the manipulation years ago. I feel that he is waiting for her to come back. Or he would toss me out if she ever came back. It’s hard for me to get the confidence to move forward with him. I don’t want to get hurt. What do i say or do?

      1. True. My words. I think he just doesn’t want to see it. He doesn’t want to lose contact. He sleeps with her letters in his bedside table. The bag with letters is moved around from time to time. The draw only has letters nothing else so he is not getting anything else from the draw. He was left broken hearted, by keeping in touch she leads him on. She doesn’t want him but doesn’t want him to forget about her I think. If you look at people married for 30 plus years- long marriages it’s unlikely they have an Ex still lurking around.

      2. While the way you see it might be completely accurate… it also might not be. Have you tried putting all of that aside and asking him about it, using this article as a guide? It won’t work if you “confront” him about it, with your belief that he should be handling it differently. You have to be open to genuinely understanding his side of it.

  12. What if his ex is also his employee (he pays her $50 a day or so for riding along with him and helping him do pool and spa maintenance), he also pays her car insurance in exchange for her cleaning his place a couple hours a month, sees her on weekends when he drops off th his dog for her to watch, comments that she “takes things” while she’s cleaning but doesn’t have an issue with it, blames me for starting smoking though I dont smoke but she does and is around him daily, blames me for gambling due to stress, though I dont gamble and she does, and now has asked me to be her friend too. He says they are good friends, something he was unwilling admit when I first started dating him and that she might as well have penis as far as that is concerned. He has also said that he thinks she takes money or trades sexual favors for other favors and that is why he could never be anything more with her. She also uses marijuana which he does and I dont. I have nothing in common with her and personally dont see a benefit to being her friend – though I’ve heard she’s a really funny person when she’s not being a bitch. Anyway, what are your thoughts about how not to disappoint him by letting him know it won’t work?

    1. Interesting situation. Are you meaning to let him know that the relationship won’t work, or that you don’t want to be friends with her?

      1. That I won’t be friends with her myself. Though I’m wondering if she’s not the better match for him at this point. We met 3 years ago yesterday, and we’re still in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. I’m 46, and I’ve given up a house, a job and a couple friends for what I thought was a solid, committed, life-long partnership. And, I’m feeling foolish at the moment but I’m asking for a third party and uninvested perspective.

      2. It sounds like a pretty intense situation, Tracey, but I can’t really comment on it directly without knowing you. I think the fact that you’re unhappy with the way things are means that a discussion needs to be had. What do you think would happen if you talked about all the things you mentioned here with him?

  13. I want to thank you bc reading this really helps. My boyfriend of 2 months told me that he is completely over his ex because he doesn’t love her or see a future with her but he still cares for her. He also told me she hasn’t told her mom that they broke up. He said they still hang out and occasionally he sees her mom when they do. I felt that he was really honest with me and I want to trust him. I’m trying to understand this but it’s hard. Why is he allowing this if they’re not together.

    Recently, I found out that she still acts like they’re in love on social media. For example she posted herself with a dozen roses and caption ‘Nathan treats me well, he knows romance.’ I think that they didn’t actually break up even though he said he made it 100% clear to her that they are not together.

    1. Glad you got something out of it :) “Why is he allowing this if they’re not together?” I’d be wondering that too. Have you asked him?

  14. So my boyfriend and his ex girlfriend still talk and sometimes I find My boyfriend with his ex and it really bothers me. Like twice my friends saw him and his ex hugging and I saw them hug before and its really uncountable. And to make matters worst his ex usted to be my friend. And I don’t know how to confront her or how to talk to my boyfriend of what am feeling.

    1. Hey Mercedes, talking to your boyfriend first is probably the better idea. If you HAD to say something to your boyfriend about it right now, what would you say? Maybe re-read the “How To Talk To Your Boyfriend About His Ex” section of the article for an idea, then let me know what you come up with and I’ll tell you what I think.

  15. My boyfriend are still friend with his ex. He told me “we are just good friend and nothing more.” It make me feel very uncomfortable and I hate it. We did hang out together, yes three of us. She feel very comfortable around him. We went out to eat, she reached over me and picked his foods from his plate. I was…wtf. It was the first time I met her. And I didn’t like it. I do trust my boyfriend because he tells me when they hang out together. Most of the time she would came over to his place in the evening and they have wine and watch tv together. I just don’t know who to trust anymore. I’m fear of being cheated again . What should I do?

      1. I haven’t talk to my bf yet. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m a jealous girlfriend or anything. I’m very afraid of the thing he might says or think of me. I was hurt and cheated before. He knew about it. I know every men are different. I trust my boyfriend, it she that I don’t trust. I just found out that she asked him to go on a hiking with her. And today, they have lunch together. I’m seeing a pattern here. It’s killing me every time she want/try to hang out with him. How and when should I talk to him? I need help.

      2. Hey Jessie, firstly… feeling jealousy is normal and even healthy. It’s what you do with it that matters. When people start trying to CONTROL each other because they feel jealous is when it becomes toxic. So as long as you’re conscious of not doing that, which it sounds like you are, you’ll be fine. Which one of the suggestions in the article are you having trouble with?

  16. Hey Pete! Really nice article! I know that this article is for women, but i think that it applies in the other scenario as well.

    When a relationship achieves that kind of trust, that kind of no-judgmental pressure over the other, it’s really a fucking nice relationship. And your article made it very clear.

  17. Well, Pete, if a guy like you thinks it’s O.K.,
    than it must be, and that makes me calm. :)
    I was about to share my feelings with him, but I chickened out. I’m afraid he’ll start feeling guilty about it, and I really don’t want that.
    But if these feelings don’t go away I will definitely. We’re both kinda trying to overcome our egos, so I’ll take it from there, cause that’s what this actually is, my ego feeling threatened.
    Though I must admit, if he was meeting with her one on one regulary, I wouldn’t be able to digest that, it’s just how I am.
    Thanks for your thoughts on this.

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